Shelby

A year ago tonight was the last time I spent time with Shelby Seabaugh. She and Josh came to our BCM New Year's Eve party. They sat on the couch and I worried a little that they didn't feel a part of things, since neither one went to SAU, but they seemed happy. Shelby spent a long time talking to Rebecca. Rebecca loved that she didn't talk to her like a little kid, but made her feel like one of the students. They left early, I'm guessing to get ready for their trip to Disney World with her family.

Then 3 months later the girls and I went with Mike and the BCM on a mission trip to a boys' ranch im Brenham, Texas. We had worked hard and had fun all week, and things were drawing to a close on Thursday. Jessica told me around lunch time that she didn't know what was going on, but she had a text from Gracen to pray for her family. So I did, then went on with my work. Then I was standing on the sidewalk in front of the dining hall and Jessica walked up looking dazed, holding her cell phone, and said, "Shelby died." Our minds immediately rejected that as not possibly being true. Mike took her phone and read her text: "My big sister went to be with Jesus." We just couldn't grasp it. Mike texted Jason, our youth minister, who confirmed it. I grabbed Jessica and held her and we both started crying. Rebecca just started sobbing and ran into the dining hall to Mikayla, where she literally fell on the floor crying as she told her. Mikayla said, "No, that's not true. No--" and came out to us. Mike held her and I was holding Jessica, and Rebecca was standing there just wailing. Tyler, one of our students, picked her up and held her. I've never heard crying like that. It sounded like what we were all feeling. In the middle of all this, another student walked up and looked at us, wondering what was going on. I said the words, "Shelby's dead." She turned around and went back to the girl's dorm, and when I remembered that she and Shelby were friends. I followed her and found her huddled on the floor in the bathroom, rocking back and forth. I hugged her and told her how sorry I was, but what else can you say?

Shelby was not my sister--she was Jessica's best friend's sister. She wasn't my niece--she was my friend Rebecca's niece. She wasn't my daughter--she was my pastor's daughter.I feel like it's not my grief...but I do grieve, We had fun with her. We cared about her. She was Mikayla's violin teacher and Rebecca's buddy. She called Jessica her other little sister. We felt special eating with her at Camp Siloam, or talking to her when she was life guarding. It hurts that she's gone. It hurts the way she left. It hurts to see her family's pain and not know what to say or not say. It hurts to watch my kids struggle with their own grief.

2014 was a difficult year. There were still some good times, and God is definitely faithful...but I'm glad this year is over.