It's my party and I'll cry if I want to-

My family let me open presents and have cake and ice cream tonight instead of waiting until tomorrow! Usually I'm all about the presents, but this year each one of my cards was absolutely perfect. I opened my mom's first, and started reading it out loud until I read "from the minute we first saw you" and realized she made it be from her and Dad. I got all choked up and teary and wanted my Dad. But I read the rest out loud and then opened Mikayla's card: "Moms can have BIG HAIR and moms can be GRAY..." Then where she signed her name, she drew an arrow to her messed-up K and wrote, "I messed up a little." Which made me laugh out loud. Next came Rebecca's, which said "Hey Mom, Mom..." about a billion times and also made me laugh. When I opened Jessica's, a piece of paper fell out and she ran to her room while I read the poem she wrote me! And got teary again. Mike's card had a $$ and a clue in it which led me to more $$$ and more clues. It was fun and funny and I get to go shopping for new clothes! After presents we ate the cake that Rebecca made and Jessica frosted and then played Spinner. It was the perfect Birthday Eve.

Jessica's poem:

A Mother Is

A mother is a Gentle caress

A forehead Kiss

A mother is two Arms

That make everything Right

A mother is Sacrifice

Giving things up in Love

A mother is snuggly Cuddles

Warming up the Cold nights

A mother is Wisdom

Helping with Life's hard Choices

A mother is a Yummy cook

Always keeping her family Content

A mother is a Cool, soothing Hand

Wiping away her children's Tears

A mother is a Forever Friend

Always there

A mother is a Role Model

One you Always watch

Always strive to Be

A mother is LOVE

She Gives and she Receives

Without Dr. King (and others like him) I probably...

• would never have taught at Como Elementary in Fort Worth. At the time, the school was 99% black. It was my first teaching job, so I would have learned a lot anywhere. But at Como I not only learned things about teaching you can't learn in college, From my fellow kindergarten teachers I also learned some things about being a woman, a wife, and a mother. I learned a little bit about what it's like to be a minority--and I learned (and can still sing) the Black National Hymn and the Texas state song. (Also I learned to NEVER miss school on soul food lunch day and that dirty rice tastes better than it sounds.)
• would not have my sweet niece Emily, who was born six weeks before Jessica was, and taken home by my brother and his wife the day before Jessica was born, and finally officially adopted by them 3 years later. 
• would not be attending a Priscilla Shirer Bible study and being challenged and taught sooo much by that gifted woman of God. 

There are more things I could list if it wasn't so close to bedtime. I guess the main thing I've realized is that the civil rights movement was not just a good thing for black people, it was a good thing for all people. So we can know one another, learn from one another, love one another. Let's make the most of it.

Happy List!

It's been way too long since I added to my happy list.
Here are some I've thought of lately:
#55 Starting a fire in the fireplace...without a fire starter log!! Success!!

#56 When my husband brings me Aunt Sally's pralines from his conference in New Orleans. TWELVE of them!!! And some delicious coffee.

#57 When each of my children, one at a time, comes up to me at supper at church to tell me something. I know, it doesn't sound that spectacular, but I love that even if they don't want to sit at my table, they still want to talk to me.

Shelby

A year ago tonight was the last time I spent time with Shelby Seabaugh. She and Josh came to our BCM New Year's Eve party. They sat on the couch and I worried a little that they didn't feel a part of things, since neither one went to SAU, but they seemed happy. Shelby spent a long time talking to Rebecca. Rebecca loved that she didn't talk to her like a little kid, but made her feel like one of the students. They left early, I'm guessing to get ready for their trip to Disney World with her family.

Then 3 months later the girls and I went with Mike and the BCM on a mission trip to a boys' ranch im Brenham, Texas. We had worked hard and had fun all week, and things were drawing to a close on Thursday. Jessica told me around lunch time that she didn't know what was going on, but she had a text from Gracen to pray for her family. So I did, then went on with my work. Then I was standing on the sidewalk in front of the dining hall and Jessica walked up looking dazed, holding her cell phone, and said, "Shelby died." Our minds immediately rejected that as not possibly being true. Mike took her phone and read her text: "My big sister went to be with Jesus." We just couldn't grasp it. Mike texted Jason, our youth minister, who confirmed it. I grabbed Jessica and held her and we both started crying. Rebecca just started sobbing and ran into the dining hall to Mikayla, where she literally fell on the floor crying as she told her. Mikayla said, "No, that's not true. No--" and came out to us. Mike held her and I was holding Jessica, and Rebecca was standing there just wailing. Tyler, one of our students, picked her up and held her. I've never heard crying like that. It sounded like what we were all feeling. In the middle of all this, another student walked up and looked at us, wondering what was going on. I said the words, "Shelby's dead." She turned around and went back to the girl's dorm, and when I remembered that she and Shelby were friends. I followed her and found her huddled on the floor in the bathroom, rocking back and forth. I hugged her and told her how sorry I was, but what else can you say?

Shelby was not my sister--she was Jessica's best friend's sister. She wasn't my niece--she was my friend Rebecca's niece. She wasn't my daughter--she was my pastor's daughter.I feel like it's not my grief...but I do grieve, We had fun with her. We cared about her. She was Mikayla's violin teacher and Rebecca's buddy. She called Jessica her other little sister. We felt special eating with her at Camp Siloam, or talking to her when she was life guarding. It hurts that she's gone. It hurts the way she left. It hurts to see her family's pain and not know what to say or not say. It hurts to watch my kids struggle with their own grief.

2014 was a difficult year. There were still some good times, and God is definitely faithful...but I'm glad this year is over.

Top Ten Memorable Moments of Christmas 2014! (In no particular order)

1. My brother Mark and his family arriving on Christmas night, a day early! Jessica and I heard a noise and looked toward the window. I didn't see anything, but she yelled, "Is that Uncle Mark?" My mom had come Christmas Eve, and my brother Matt and his family had been here about an hour or so, and since we were all there, we went ahead and opened presents, with lots of excitement and laughter and craziness.
2. Matt skipping Rebecca in Phase 10 at least once each round!
3. Jessica and Mikayla getting their stockings mixed up. I saw Mikayla with a phone case that Santa obviously intended for Jessica and realized they had the wrong stockings!
4. Watching (and hearing) Jessica, Mikayla, Rebecca, Emily, Whitney, and Kennedi do Just Dance 2015 on the wii at midnight...and later...
5. Seeing a lei on my stocking and realizing I can go with the BCM on the mission trip to Hawaii this summer!
6. Not knowing what to do two days before Christmas when Mike kept looking for tickets to buy for the Liberty Bowl...tickets I had already bought and wrapped and put under the tree! I'm not a good liar.
7. Mikayla saying,"I think I'm gonna throw up" after she opened her iphone 5C.  Too much excitement? (She didn't.)
8. Kennedi opening her Christmas present/bag and pulling out one of our ornaments from Russia that had fallen off the tree! 
9. Mark screaming like a girl when he opened his suitcase and found a nutcracker staring up at him. 
10. Realizing Mike Santa was once again smarter than me in giving Jessica a keyboard...when I heard Mannheim Steamroller-esque music coming from her room for hours and hours on Christmas Day. 

This was one of my favorite Christmases ever.

The North and the South

Tomorrow my two oldest girls leave for a mission trip to Spokane, Washington...which is in an area that holds a piece of my heart as one of my "homes." (Arkansas readers...we lived in North Idaho, a stone's throw away from Washington and not too far from Oregon, either. Similar to Magnolia's proximity to Louisiana and Texas. We lived there for 12 years, 4 in Lewiston and 8 in Moscow, which is the most years in a row I've lived in any state!) Ever since we left there 8 years ago, my mind has been comparing and contrasting the Northwest and the Arklatex. It's a blog post I've been composing in my head for a long time! So from my observations, here are some obvious differences:

• Weather. In the Northwest, in winter..it's cold. For quite a while. And you get snow. Some years more than others, but you're pretty much guaranteed some snow. In summer, it's usually nice and warm, but you may get an occasional cool day. In the Arklatex, in summmer...it's hot. For quite a while. And humid. And you get nice, loud, heavy-raining thunderstorms. In winter, it's usually pretty cold, and you may get a little snow, but you also may get an occasional warm day. 
• Language. English, of course, but there are different accents. Everyone is probably pretty familiar with the Southern accent of the Arklatex. People in the Northwest think they have no accent, buuuut...they say "beg" for "bag" and "crick" for "creek." And have different ways of saying things--they don't carry anything, they "pack" it. What I call the "glove compartment," they call the "jockey box." And of course there's the whole y'all/you guys, Coke/pop thing.
• Churches. There are a bunch more down here than up there! But my girls are heading up there to help add one. :)

But it's surprising how similar they are. For example...

• Both are green and not flat. Granted, the hills in Idaho would be called mountains in Arkansas and the mountains in Arkansas would be called hills in Idaho. Still...not flat!
• Both are full of towns that aren't pronounced the way they look. The Northwest has Weippe, Kooskia, Pend Oreille, and Kamiah. The Arklatex has Ouachita, Lafayette, Nevada, and Monticello. (If you haven't lived in one of these places, trust me. They're not pronounced the way you think.)
• Both are agriculture based economies...mostly timber. Why do I have to drive behind log trucks everywhere I go??! 
• Hunting is a big deal. Camo.  It's everywhere.
• In both places we lived in small towns an hour or more from a city big enough to have a Target. In Idaho we did have a small mall, however. With a Starbucks. I miss that. And finally...
• Good friends and great students. So many good memories of forever friends. And BSM, NCM, BCM...whatever you call it, our college students are family. Forever. It is KILLING me to send my girls up there without me, but my heart and mind will be with them, and someday I will go back and visit myself!

There is a Redeemer--Jesus, God's own Son

I went to bed before eleven last night, and didn't fall asleep until after twelve. When my head hit the pillow, all my failures started parading through my head, one after the other. Failures as a wife, as a mother, as a home school teacher, as a friend, neighbor, daughter, sister, witness, church member, etc. I prayed and tried to make myself relax, but couldn't get my mind to stop. I felt accused and found guilty--then I  remembered who the accuser is--my enemy, satan--(thank you, Beth Moore). I didn't pray out loud, because I didn't think Mike would appreciate that :), but I thanked God for seeing me as covered in the blood of His Son, sacrificed for my failures. And I realized that redemption isn't something God DID for me, but that it's something He's DOING for me. He redeemed my soul from an eternity in hell when I committed my life to follow Christ, but every time I fail and then turn it over to Him, He even redeems that, bringing beauty from ashes--life from death. How amazing is that.